'She says it's just money': My friend pays for everything. I should be grateful, but I can't stand her anymore.

By Quentin Fottrell

'On each of these weekends away, she's probably spending $500'

"She isn't a bad person - in fact, she's kind and generous. But she can be exhausting." (Photo subjects are models.)

Dear Quentin,

I am 56 and have a confession that makes me feel like a terrible person: I have a friend, 58, who likes me much more than I like her. It feels harsh to say it. She doesn't have that many friends, so I feel like I'm doing her a kindness. But she can be draining and very negative.

We've known each other for 20 years. We're both married with kids. She's always been generous - maybe too generous - considerably better off than I am, and she regularly takes me out to expensive restaurants. If I offer to pay my share, she waves me off.

Of late, her generosity has gone further. She has invited me on weekend trips and covered the hotel. I try, in turn, to pay for dinner. She says she enjoys having someone to travel with, and I've accepted, because frankly I couldn't afford to do these things as often on my own.

The problem is that I don't particularly enjoy spending time with her. She isn't a bad person - in fact, she's kind and generous. But she can be exhausting. She talks almost exclusively about herself, interrupts constantly and has an opinion about everyone, often an unflattering one.

I've noticed I'm often relieved when our weekend is over. That makes me feel guilty, because she has been so good to me. But on each of these trips, she's probably spending $500, and we've taken quite a few of them over the years. She says it's just money.

I've noticed I'm often relieved when our weekend is over. That makes me feel guilty.

I also know she considers me a close friend. She tells other people how much she enjoys our friendship, and talks about future trips we could take together. I don't feel the same way. I like her well enough, but I don't look forward to seeing her the way I do my closest friends.

I've tried to reciprocate in smaller ways - buying dinner, bringing wine when we're staying somewhere, picking up other expenses. But I could never match what she spends on me. Also, she can be quite mean about others, and she turns every topic of conversation back to herself.

Recently, she invited me on another weekend away. I found myself hoping she'd cancel. That's when I realized something uncomfortable: I may be continuing this friendship partly because I like to get away from my husband and kids, but also because I'm too scared to end it.

I've never asked her to pay for anything. She's an adult who can afford these trips. But I also know that if I told her honestly that I didn't want to spend so much time together, she'd be hurt. How do I essentially end a friendship that has lasted decades with someone I no longer like?

Should I tell her I don't consider us as close as she does? Or would that be unnecessarily cruel? I don't want her weekends away. I'm not sure if I really ever did. But I don't want to pretend I value the friendship more than I do, simply because she's generous.

A Friend, Apparently

Related: My golf buddy worked as a financial adviser. Here's how I knew his friendship was fake.

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

Boundaries are extremely tricky to maintain with people who are insistent and/or bordering on pushy.

Dear Apparently,

You owe it to both of you to end this friendship. It's no longer serving anyone.

I don't blame you for finding yourself in this situation. Boundaries are extremely tricky to maintain with people who are insistent and/or bordering on pushy. They're even more difficult to maintain when someone comes offering a friendly ear, at first, and gifts.

There are two types of friendship: healthy friendships and unhealthy friendships, but no friendship is perfect, and it can sometimes be difficult to tell the difference between the two. Money, as this column can attest to, makes that even more complicated.

And there are two kinds of toxic friendships: one that is transactional and one that is based in trauma. They can overlap, of course, but these are to be avoided. As you get older, we should all be more self contained and have less need for a "best friend" outside of our spouse.

There are two kinds of toxic friendships: transactional and trauma-based.

If you each take turns listening to each other's problems ad nauseum, no one wins. It's codependent and negative. If one person is offering gifts or another person seeks social connections, that's when a friendship can become transactional.

It can be all too easy to conflate generosity of spirit with financial largesse. The former comes without a price. The latter often has a gift tax attached. There's a price to be paid: you lend an ear, you overlook a harsh word and, yes, you ultimately hand over your time.

There comes a time, as we get older, that we realize our time is the most precious commodity, more than gold, real estate, equities, bonds, designer clothing, vacation homes, 401(k)s, IRAs, money-market funds, you name it. Honoring that realization requires hard decisions.

Related: 'It feels slimy': My friend offered to be my adviser, but didn't tell me he's paid to push financial products. Can I trust him?

Ending a friendship

These weekends felt harmless at first and, perhaps you paid your way by taking care of dinners, which could almost cost as much as $500 over the course of two days. But you are still put under an obligation, and these gifts create an intangible, everpresent debt to be repaid.

This would be less of an issue if you actually liked this friend as much as she appears to like - or want to be friends with - you. That's the real crux. We can analyze the nature of financial and emotional inequity all day, but it's time to honor both parties and take action.

You may need to do one or two things: (1.) Start saying no to invitations. If this friend doesn't step back in an organic manner - and I have a feeling she won't go quietly - you need to (2.) Tell her that you need space, and you have a lot going on in your life.

These gifts create an intangible, everpresent debt to be repaid.

If need be, you can meet in person and tell her the truth - you don't have the time to devote to the friendship and, if she asks, you can tell her it's you not her, and if she pushes, you feel like she wants more from the friendship than you feel like you can give.

Here's the thing: You're not exiting a relationship or a marriage, you are extricating yourself from a friendship that doesn't serve you and, honestly, it doesn't serve your friend either if you really don't like her as much as you should to sustain a friendship.

Having to be less than yourself when you are with her and essentially act like you are having a better time, or not feel like you can fully relax and be your most authentic self, will cost you more than the price of a weekend away. It will be a constant intrusion in your life.

Boundaries are free to build, but they take work - and they are a daily practice.

Don't miss: Why does almost nobody want to befriend older people like me - except scammers?

By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

We were friendly with our neighbors for decades, until recently. One day, they introduced us to their financial adviser...

I found a $100 bill in the communal washer at my Airbnb. What should I do?

'It's the ultimate regifting': My mom gave me a house. Should I transfer it back to her to reduce capital gains?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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