'We are committed Christians': Our son and daughter-in-law cut us off over politics. Should we change our $3 million will?

By Quentin Fottrell

'We are hurt and confused, but we have also tried to respect the boundaries they have established'

"We don't want political or religious differences to permanently destroy our relationship." (Photo subjects are models.)

Dear Quentin,

My wife and I are in our early 70s and in good health. Our net worth is $3 million and could eventually grow to more than $4 million because of an anticipated inheritance from an aging family member. We have two sons, both in their late 30s. Our estate plan currently includes a trust and wills that divide our assets equally between them after we are both gone.

One of our sons recently got married. For many years, we have tried to preserve family unity by agreeing as a family not to discuss politics, because we knew those conversations could become divisive. Recently, however, political issues came up, and our daughter-in-law wanted to discuss and debate them with me. I calmly reminded them of our previous agreement.

Since January, our son and his wife have stopped communicating with my wife and me. They have refused to return our phone calls or respond to our texts. We have been told that our daughter-in-law does not wish to have contact with our family. Some very painful things were said, primarily by our daughter-in-law, as we made a conscious effort not to respond in kind.

Our political views and Christian faith were criticized. We are conservative politically and committed Christians, while they hold very different beliefs. What has been especially difficult is that we don't really know exactly what was said or done that resulted in what appears to be a complete cutoff in communication. They have not responded to our attempts to reach out.

We are hurt and confused, but we have also tried to respect the boundaries they have established. At the same time, we love our son deeply. We don't want political or religious differences to permanently destroy our relationship with him, and we want to leave the door open for reconciliation without creating additional conflict or pressure.

We are also wrestling with a difficult question about our estate plan. Given the current circumstances, we have considered whether we should remove this son from our will or otherwise change the way his inheritance would be handled. We do not want our hard-earned assets to ultimately benefit someone with whom we currently have such a difficult relationship.

We recognize that making a decision about an inheritance while we are hurt could be a mistake. We plan to consult an estate-planning attorney and want to approach this thoughtfully rather than making an irreversible decision out of anger or emotion. Our greatest hope is that, somehow, there will eventually be a path back to a relationship with our son and his family.

What do your readers think? What should we do?

Father and Husband

Related: 'This is a tricky subject': We're in our 70s and our only child is 40. Do we leave her everything?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

We often take our politics and religion, whether we are on the right or left of the spectrum, very personally.

Dear Father,

I can't tell you to disinherit your son and daughter-in-law, and I can't tell you not to do so.

It's a very personal decision, and one that will inevitably evolve with time. If they eventually have children, you may wish to leave money in a trust for your grandchildren - a tax-advantaged 529 account for college or an income or lump sum when they turn 21 or 30 - or you may decide that you have become so estranged that it's too late to leave your money to people who want nothing to do with you.

There is no right or wrong answer, whether you are a Christian conservative or an agnostic liberal (or a Christian liberal or agnostic conservative). What is more certain is that we often take our politics and religion, whether we are on the right or left of the spectrum, in a deeply personal way, particularly in a country so polarized. Society's beliefs are reflected in our choices, lifestyles and, yes, political policies.

Ultimately, it will come down to the amount of time that passes and the depth of the fissure between you and your son and daughter-in-law. It's still early days, and it hurts. Time might act as a salve, making it easier for you to divide your estate 50/50 between your sons, or it might solidify your belief that your money should go to a child who wants to maintain a relationship.

The problem with seeking the advice of others is that they will give you an opinion colored by their own experience.

There are, for better or for worse, some clear reasons to either cut a child out of your will or leave them an income with strict conditions in a special-needs trust. Those reasons include financial recklessness, substance-misuse issues, gambling problems or simply because you don't want an in-law to get their hands on your life savings. Again, no judgment.

Andreea Nica, an associate professor of sociology at Western New Mexico University in Silver Lake, N.M., recently published a study in Frontiers in Sociology, a peer-reviewed journal, in which she concluded that estrangement between adult children and parents has become increasingly common in recent years, but the end result can sometimes be a positive one.

Nica conducted 30 online interviews about how children and parents experience estrangement. Interviewees told her that their respective estrangements were not necessarily good or bad. Many participants built new support networks through friends, partners, therapy, spirituality and support groups. Hard as it may seem now to comprehend, some people developed healthier relationships with others and had a stronger sense of their own place in the world.

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The Greek chorus

You ask what other people think. The problem with seeking the advice of others - whether they are readers of an advice column or your own friends, relatives and neighbors - is that they will give you an opinion that is colored by their own experience. Are they estranged from their parents or children? Are they conservative, like you, or liberal, like your son and daughter-in-law? That all influences their take.

One member of the Moneyist Facebook Group would draw a line in the sand. "I wouldn't leave one son out of your will simply because his political views differ from yours," she writes. "My husband and I are on the opposite end of the political spectrum - we're fairly middle-of-the-road liberals, while our son is a strong Trump supporter.

"I generally avoid discussing politics with him," she continues. "My husband sometimes forgets and brings it up. One time, our son became quite upset with his father. He later called to apologize, and I told him it was OK. At the end of the day, we live in America, and we're allowed to have very different political views - even when we think the other person is wrong."

Estrangement is painful, confusing and frustrating, and it also comes with some real-world consequences.

Another reader suggests making another attempt at communication: "Reach out to your son directly and ask him what, specifically, was said or done that offended or hurt them - yes, them, not just your daughter-in-law. If there is something you can understand, acknowledge and negotiate, that's a place to start rebuilding the relationship.

"If the conflict ultimately comes down to political or religious beliefs, you're certainly not alone," she adds. "But perhaps this could be an opportunity for some self-reflection. Consider asking yourself why your beliefs might have led someone who loves you deeply to distance themselves from you. If you do that, I'd encourage you to step outside your usual echo chamber."

You are going through something that, unfortunately, many families have experienced. It's painful, confusing and frustrating, and it comes with some real-world consequences: access to grandchildren, peace of mind (at least for a time), inheritance issues and, yes, the opportunity to navigate the world without having to walk on eggshells or suppress your feelings and opinions.

Take your time before making a decision about your estate planning, and review your decision every year.

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The Moneyist regrets he cannot respond to letters individually. Check out The Moneyist's private Facebook group, where members help answer life's thorniest money issues. Post your questions, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

I don't want to leave my financially irresponsible daughter my house. Is that unreasonable?

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'I don't wish to be cold-hearted': My elderly relative can no longer care for himself. Am I wrong to leave his care to the state?

My brother asked me to sign as his executor, but wouldn't let me read the document. Should I have refused?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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