The 4 essential money conversations to have before moving in together

By Genna Contino

'You know what's not romantic? Finding out your partner has $80,000 in credit-card debt.'

Don't move in with your significant other without having a candid conversation about your finances first.

Welcome back to Don't Short Yourself, where we share practical tips for managing your money.

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Today's edition is about relationships and money.

Sharing how much money you have in your savings account or how much debt you're carrying can feel uncomfortable, even if it's with someone you love and trust. But as a relationship gets more serious - especially if you're thinking about moving in together - there are conversations you simply can't avoid.

- Genna Contino

Thinking of moving in together? 4 money matters to talk about first.

When my boyfriend and I decided to move in together a few years ago, we learned a lot about each other's finances - fast.

At the time, I was living in Charlotte, N.C., and he was in South Carolina. We knew we wanted to move in together, but I had just been accepted into a graduate program in New York City. I couldn't pass up the opportunity, and once my boyfriend landed a remote job, we decided to make the move.

To determine how much we could afford, we had to talk openly about our incomes. Landlords in New York often require tenants to make 40 times the monthly rent - which definitely wasn't the case for us. We ended up relying on our parents to be guarantors so we could get approved for a Brooklyn apartment.

But our incomes were just the start of our talk.

We used the opportunity to be upfront about other elements of our finances. We discussed our monthly student-loan payments, our savings and our future financial goals.

After opening up with each other about our finances, we both felt better prepared for the move.

These conversations are crucial for couples who are preparing to move in together, says Douglas Boneparth, a certified financial planner who founded New York City wealth-management firm Bone Fide Wealth, which focuses on millennials and young professionals.

"This ranks low on the romantic side of things," Boneparth said, "but you want to know what's not romantic? Finding out at Year 3 your partner has $80,000 in credit-card debt. Surprise!"

The timing of these conversations matters, too. Boneparth suggests matching your level of disclosure to your level of commitment.

During the first few dates, you should focus on exploring compatibility and shared values - not spreadsheets and tax returns. A few months in, you'll likely learn whether they rent or own. You might see them sweat over a $200 check at a dinner date. You'll know if they own a car and what their work schedule looks like. By the time you reach the one-year mark, you should have an idea of your partner's debt, income and spending habits.

The serious conversations need to happen before you move in together or get engaged. When my boyfriend and I discussed our finances ahead of the big move, we had already been dating for two years. Because we were so comfortable with each other by that point, the conversation didn't feel scary or awkward.

Before signing a lease and mingling money, here are four crucial money conversations to have:

Debt. Disclose your credit score, credit-card balances, student loans and any major past financial events, like bankruptcies.

Income and assets. Be clear about total compensation - base salary, bonuses and equity - alongside savings and retirement account info.

Legal and family obligations. Be upfront about alimony, child support, former marriages or financial support you provide to family members.

The household system. Agree on a plan for splitting costs, such as a 50/50 split or one that's proportional to income, to ensure no one feels stretched or resentful.

"It's making sure both people feel like full participants in the relationship," Boneparth says. "The specific math matters a lot less than both people feeling seen and heard."

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Reader mail: Smart money ideas that you sent us

Every week we ask readers to share their favorite money tips, and you always deliver! Here are a few recent responses.

Barbara wrote to us about a money lesson she learned a little later in life than she would have liked:

"When I was in my 30s, my employer, a high-tech startup company, was sold, and I had some stock. I received about $35,000 from the sale. I did have to look for another job but found one quickly. No one I knew ever talked about money, and I had no idea how to invest it, so I spent it. I had some lovely long weekends and vacations with friends. I did start saving about 10 years later, and in another 10 years I doubled down on saving. I was able to retire comfortably about 10 years ago and I think I'll be OK even if I live to 100. But as my savings started to amount to something, I have repeatedly mentally kicked myself for just spending the $35,000. Even half of that amount properly invested over 30 years would have been an even better cushion for the future. I'm grateful I wised up, although a little late."

- Barbara Whitney

Robert shared some advice on how he saved on insurance premiums when he owned a small business - related to our previous Don't Short Yourself newsletter about when it's not worth it to file an insurance claim:

"I owned a small company before I sold and retired early during COVID. My policy was to never file a claim under $10K. I sometimes paid out of pocket for even larger damages, of all kinds.

We were able to fund that from accrued savings on premiums."

- Robert Lemley

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- Your Spirit Airlines loyalty points are probably worthless after the carrier officially shut down. But these airlines will match your rewards.

Share your favorite money tip

Send us your favorite way to save money - or make your money work for you - and we'll share it with our readers. Send it to dontshortyourself@marketwatch.com.

-Genna Contino

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