'I'd rather wear a potato sack': I'm a bridesmaid at three weddings. The brides chose ugly dresses - and I'm obliged to pay. Should I say no?

By Quentin Fottrell

'I'm getting increasingly anxious about these mounting expenses, and I don't know how I can possibly afford them'

Dear Quentin,

Firstly, I want to say that I am lucky to have so many friends and for this to even be considered a "problem," however my bank account would beg to differ. I'm 31, female and working in the marketing industry in New York. As you know, living in New York is expensive at the best of times and while I earn a reasonable salary, I always need to watch what I spend.

I have a good group of girlfriends, three of whom are getting married this year. They come from families with money. I have been asked to be a bridesmaid for each of them, which is lovely but worrying as the role comes with so many expenses. Two of these are destination weddings, and I am also expected to cover my own accommodation and travel costs.

All three of my bride-to-be friends have specified the type of dresses and shoes they would like me to wear and I have to pay. The dresses are pink (I'm sick of Barbie), salmon (gross) and mauve (I'd rather wear a potato sack). I'm expected to organize their bridal showers and pay (with the other bridesmaids) for those expenses too - venue, food, drinks and gifts.

I'm getting increasingly anxious about these mounting expenses, and I don't know how I can possibly afford them. I'd love to bring it up with my friends, but I am afraid that they will think I'm being cheap, or worse, that I don't value their asking me to be a bridesmaid. I don't earn what they earn, and I will never (ever) wear these dresses again.

Are my friends Bridezillas?

Single in Soho

Related: My wife wants us to spend $5,000 to attend her cousin's destination wedding. I don't want to go. Am I being selfish?

Dear Single,

I have two things to say and they are not mutually exclusive:

1. I absolutely love weddings.

2. The wedding industry is out of control.

My favorite weddings have been low key, relaxed and inexpensive: a reception in someone's backyard or in a restaurant for a long afternoon. My least favorite have been extravagant affairs held in windowless five-star hotel ballrooms. If you are in the bridal party, and attending a destination wedding, the least the bride can do is pay for your hotel room.

Proceed with each wedding on its own merits. If one bride wants you to spend $500 on a dress, say it's out of your budget, especially given that you won't wear it again. Why does every bridesmaid dress have to be the same color? Who made up that rule? Personally, a more eclectic and colorful collection of dresses would make a more interesting photo.

Be honest and transparent. It's OK to say, "I have all the time in the world to help you make everything run smoothly. So let me know how I can be most useful. I just don't have all the money in the world, especially with three weddings this year. But I hope we can make it work." It will help your friends think about the pressures members of their wedding parties face.

The average cost of attending a destination wedding is $2,700, according to a survey by the travel company Priceline, which also said that 79% of couples are planning one in the next 12 months. The Knot says an estimated 20% of couples have destination weddings. If you can't afford the plane ticket, hotel or other expenses, a real friend will understand.

You would not be the first person to send regrets. An estimated 50% to 75% of those invited say they will attend a destination wedding, according to some estimates. Friendship is about compromise and being able to put yourself into the other person's shoes. It's not about demands, ultimatums or taking your credit card hostage to attend their nuptials.

Wedding "customs" create bridezillas and groomzillas. While it's helpful to have guidelines to avoid any social awkwardness, these are just that - guidelines. The more the bridesmaids are required to spend on dresses and venues, the more the bride will have to spend on the wedding. Who does that ultimately help? The wedding industry, of course.

The cost of being a bridesmaid

Should a bride tell you to buy a mauve dress with lace trimming and a Peter Pan collar, and a pair of Mary Janes, she should pay for it. After all, you will never wear that dress again. The indignity of being forced into buying and wearing a dress not of your choice or liking so the bride can coordinate her wedding photos! Honestly, who makes up these rules?

If there's one thing that will get people riled up, it is wedding etiquette. If you say, "People spend too much money on weddings," you're a killjoy. If you're a couple who says, "We're going to do our own invitations so we don't have to spend $500-plus on stationary," the wedding planner might look at you as if you'd suggested selling her firstborn.

The average wedding cost $35,000 in 2023, according to 10,000 people surveyed by The Knot. That's up $5,000 from the prior year. I try to take surveys like most people take their tequila - with a bite of bitter lemon and pinch of salt. That $35,000 is close to the average down payment for a house. But when emotions run high, there is little room for perspective.

I polled some female colleagues. One told me: "When you agree to be in a wedding, it's definitely a financial consideration. That's why people who get asked to be in lots of weddings dread it after a while." Another said: "I was in seven weddings in one year. They nearly bankrupted me. I saved the dresses. I thought my kids might wear them to their proms."

Bridesmaids spend $130 on average on their dress for their friend's "big day," according to "The Knot." Good luck finding a dress for $130 in a major American city in 2024 (or 2023). Seriously, women's silk scarves at Neiman Marcus cost more than that. In many European countries, the bride and/or her family (rightly, in my view) pay for the bridesmaid dresses.

"To complete your bridesmaid dress look, you might want to spruce up your outfit with a few accessories, such as elegant bridesmaid jewelry, dressy bridesmaid shoes and a stylish clutch," The Knot adds. "Do you prefer to wear shapewear with your bridesmaid dress? Or, do you need to buy a special bra for the wedding ... or seamless wedding underwear?"

There's more expense: the hair, the makeup, the bridal shower. You're a good friend, and you can continue to be one by offering your help. But you should not have to put all of these expenses on your credit card - and a wedding ring should not be a de facto loophole where people can choose to forget that not all their friends make the same amount of money.

There's something strange and cult-like about being cajoled by society, the wedding industry and your peers to invest so much importance and pressure in one day. Couples are encouraged to go big on flowers, big on dresses, big on the cake, big on the Rolls Royce to take them to the church. My least favorite wedding slogan: "Say yes to the dress!" It's madness.

I will finish by telling you two more things I believe to be true:

1. In reality, our only "big day" is today.

2. I will tell you the same thing tomorrow.

April is National Financial Literacy Month. To mark the occasion, MarketWatch will publish a series of "Financial Fitness" articles to help readers improve their fiscal health, and offer advice on how to save, invest and spend their money wisely. Read more here.

The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:

'He was recently taken to the hospital': My elderly neighbor gave me power of attorney. Can his estranged daughter object?

'He's quit talking to me': My father, 83, suffers from hoarding disorder and dementia. How can I help him and protect his estate?

'Punishing myself would not help': My credit card was stolen - the thief revealed lots of nasty surprises about my finances

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-Quentin Fottrell

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04-22-24 0729ET

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