How Financial Advisors Can Help Their Clients Release Shame

On this episode of The Long View, Tiffany Aliche, also known as “The Budgetnista,” discusses financial mistakes, shame around money, and her latest book Made Whole: The Practical Guide to Reaching Your Financial Goals.

Here are a couple of excerpts from Aliche’s conversation with Morningstar’s Christine Benz and Jeff Ptak:

Moving Past the Money Shame

Christine Benz: You’re a big believer in not just empathizing with people but also giving voice to your own financial struggles. You call it sharing your shame. You think it’s important to talk about where we’ve stumbled in our past with money. Why do you think that can be such a powerful thing to have that community where we talk openly about some of these issues?

Tiffany Aliche: As you know, I have a new book that just came out, Made Whole. It’s one of the major components in the beginning part of the book because one of the things I learned from making so many financial mistakes, and I think for all the financial professionals that are listening, is you know that your clients come to you riddled with shame. And you know that shame shields solutions. It is very hard to open that bank account, start paying down debt, and start budgeting if you can’t even open up the envelopes that are coming in the mail—the pink and red ones to say you’re late or you’re behind. And I know after I made all these financial mistakes, I didn’t want to tell my parents, I didn’t want to tell my friends. So, the shame kept me in the mistake longer than I needed to be.

I think so many financial professionals forget that you need to tackle that first. You have to create a safe space so the person that you’re serving can share and release some of that shame, so then you start to interject solutions. It’s similar to going to the doctor and you’re like, “I don’t feel well.” They wouldn’t just start to prescribe you medicine. Instead, they’re trying to get down to a space where they’re like, “What’s happening here, so I can come up with the best solution for where you actually are.” For me, that is the most important part of the work that we do as financial educators or advisors is to help people move past the shame. Because if you can do that, the solutions, not only will they take, they will stick, because I’ve had people make similar mistakes again, and that’s OK. But because they’re no longer ashamed, they go right into the solution.

I call it, “I want to be a paper towel person.” My mom taught me that. I’m one of five girls and we had quite the rowdy house growing up. And my dad is like a strict disciplinarian: “Do what I say; this is what I do; that’s too much noise.” That’s my dad. As a kid, if I spilled something, my dad would be like, “Oh, my goodness, Tiffany, you have to be more careful.” Because I was a clumsy one. “You’re always running; slow down; be mindful; drink your juice in the kitchen,” that was my dad. And then, he would hand you a paper towel after doing all that fussing. But my mom was the opposite. If I spilled something, she would just hand me a paper towel. And I learned from that. In the end, you just end up getting a paper towel anyway. Can we skip the fuss? I try my best to do that for myself. Let’s skip over the, “Oh, Tiffany, you made this mistake again. Why can’t you understand? Why are we here?” And let’s just get straight to the paper towel. Get straight to the solution. I encourage everyone to encourage the people they work with to be paper towel people.

How to Talk Openly About Money Worries

Jeff Ptak: How do you get people to open up? Are there icebreaker questions that you use to get them to open up about problem spots in their finances, things that they’re ashamed of?

Aliche: Absolutely. This is something I pull from being a preschool teacher. Because really, you’re just like a surrogate mom during the day. And you have to create an environment of nonjudgment, of kindness. Sharing something of your own journey, whatever you feel comfortable with, makes people realize that they are not alone. Because that’s really what people are struggling with. They think that they are alone in the mistakes that they’ve made. And if you can share with them, even if it’s not your stuff, you might say, “Ten years ago, I had a client that filed for bankruptcy, that XYZ, and now they’re flourishing.” And so, offering up something to let people know that they are not alone in their journey is one of the best things that you can do.

For me, I like to share my financial journey and the mistakes that I’ve made. I remember I had one woman who I was working with, she was like, “Well, I’m not as bad as that!” I’m like, “Don’t turn the judgment table on me.” But that really helps because then people relax, and they realize I don’t jump right into “Let’s do our spreadsheets.” No. One of my opening questions is “Tell me your story, how did we get here?” Because people want to get it off their chest. Just tell me your story. Because I know they’re going to tell me the financial things, but also there’s other things. Because my teacher ear is listening for the things not said. You might come to me, and you’re like, “My husband is overspending.” But what I’m really hearing as you start to talk is, oh, you grew up in a household where there wasn’t enough. And you’re afraid that if he spends that you guys won’t have enough, even though you’re an attorney and he’s a doctor. He’s actually not overspending. It’s your fear of going back to where you came from financially that is holding you hostage. I’m listening for those things. So, I love when people tell me their stories so we can work through those things first.