I inherited $1.4 million from my father. Am I wrong to ask my husband of 25 years for a postnuptial agreement?

By Quentin Fottrell

'He has always said he wants his daughter to inherit a chunk of his estate, and I've never objected to that'

"When the lawyer read me the number, I had to ask her to say it again." (Photo subject is a model.)

Dear Quentin,

I'm 58; my husband is 61. We've been married 25 years, and, until a few months ago I'd have told you it was a good marriage, maybe even a lucky one. We don't have kids. He has a 34-year-old daughter who lives about 40 minutes from us. We own our house outright, worth around $1.2 million, and between us we have roughly $1.8 million in retirement accounts.

He has always made more than I have. He's a consultant and has done very well. I was in marketing, and I cut back to three days a week when my dad got sick, which turned into almost four years of driving to his place every Tuesday and Thursday and most weekends. I went back to full-time after that, but I'd fallen behind and never caught up. I don't say that with bitterness.

My father died last October. He left me $1.4 million. He was a machinist, then ran a small-parts shop, drove the same truck for 19 years, and clipped coupons well into his 80s. When the lawyer read me the number, I had to ask her to say it again. I put it all in a separate account in my name and I haven't touched it. I haven't even bought myself anything with it yet.

Consulting a lawyer

In September, I told my husband I wanted us to see a lawyer about a postnuptial agreement. I want the inheritance to stay mine if we split up. He went quiet and said he was surprised. He said that after 25 years, it felt like I'd been keeping a ledger. He added that he always treated everything as "ours" and had never once raised the issue.

He reminded me that he had paid most of the mortgage for several years and never complained when my career stalled. He said he never thought of any of that as "buying a stake" in my inheritance. I don't think it should turn into marital money. The house and our retirement savings are shared. I would like time to think about what I want to do with the money.

He has a pension and a few investment accounts, and he has always said he wants his daughter to inherit a chunk of his estate, and I've never objected to that. She's his daughter, after all. But when I asked if he would sign something protecting my inheritance, he said fine, but then he said he would want his own assets protected for his daughter.

I don't want to end up widowed at 65 with his daughter holding most of the money and me having to ask her for a favor. I'm not saying she would be unkind. I've known her since she was nine and she's a decent person. I suggested he leave her a portion and the rest to me. He said that sounds reasonable in principle.

Was I wrong to ask about a postnup?

Wife in the Middle

Related: My spouse was awarded $90,000 from my 401(k) in our divorce. How is that fair?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

This conversation has brought up questions about how much each party has contributed to the marriage.

Dear Wife,

It's never wrong to initiate a conversation about your own financial independence.

Gifts and inheritances are considered separate property under the law, so your family inheritance is yours to do what you please as long as you don't commingle those funds with marital funds - use them for a renovation on your house or deposit them in a joint bank account. But you did not wish to keep this money a secret, and it triggers a conversation.

Before you spend your inheritance on yourself or your marriage - by renovating your home or taking a vacation or adding a portion to a separate investment or savings account - you have every right to think about how this could provide you with a greater degree of financial independence and helps guarantee you a comfortable retirement as a married woman or a widowed or divorced woman.

Were you wrong to bring up this topic? No. Conversations that happen late in the day, feel stressful, raise questions or even stir up resentments can sometimes be healthy. That does not mean any party or either party has acted inappropriately. You both had an opportunity to hash this out prior to your wedding, but you both kicked the can down the road.

Inheritance is considered separate property under the law.

Your father's $1.4 million inheritance has laid bare a few home truths: (1) You have financial goals and marital ideas of your own, and understandably do not wish your father's estate to ultimately fall into the hands of your stepdaughter if something were to happen to you. (That, again, would depend on the intestacy laws of your state if you did not make a will.)

(2) It has forced your hand to initiate a conversation about estate planning and a postnup, which may not surprise you to know are only prevalent in roughly 3% of marriages. Recent reports from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers indicate that 50% of family-law attorneys have reported a rise in requests for postnuptial agreements.

(3) The conversation, although difficult, has brought up questions about how much each party has contributed to the marriage financially - a conversation that should include unpaid labor and has raised the topic of how much money your husband feels he should morally and legally leave his daughter from a previous relationship.

Don't miss: My wife cried when I found out she had only $80,000 in her 401(k). I have $2.2 million. Am I wrong to be shocked?

Postnuptial disagreements

What surprises me more is that you and your husband did not sign a prenuptial agreement, given that your husband has a daughter from a previous relationship or marriage. Typically, whatever you had before your marriage is separate property; what you accrue during your marriage is marital property and is divided in a divorce in accordance with the laws in your state.

By their nature, postnuptial agreements are going to create friction, namely because they occur after the wedding, and few people like to be presented with an addendum to a contract after they have signed it. Marriage, lest we forget, is a personal, legal and financial contract. You will know just how serious a contract it is when you try to divorce.

Prenuptial agreements are more popular than postnups. Some 15% of people have prenups, although those figures can rise to 50% for millennials and up to 20%-30% for second marriages, depending on the survey. Every marriage is different, and couples who start their married life with next to nothing, one assumes, may have less reason to sign a prenup.

Prenuptial agreements are far more popular than postnups.

Community-property states divide property 50/50, while equitable-distribution states divide marital property equitably, if not always equally. Nine states explicitly follow community-property laws: Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas (which divides property in a manner that is "just and right"), Washington and Wisconsin. But inheritance is still separate.

What does all that mean for you? With the help of an adviser and attorney, you can put all your cards on the table. You may acknowledge that your husband paid more of the mortgage over time and agree that he would receive, say, 55% or 65% of the house if you divorced. Or you may decide that you were simply dealing with life's terms and agree that a 50/50 split is fair.

With the help of a third-party mediator, you may also come to an understanding that his daughter receives 50% or more of his separate property if he were to predecease you, and he receives 50% of your separate property if he were to predecease you, while he would receive 50% of your separate property should you predecease him. Every marriage has its own wants, needs and variables.

Your $1.4 million inheritance and his daughter complicate your estate planning.

Related: My 93-year-old father changed his will at the 11th hour, leaving my brother his entire $500,000 estate. Can I challenge it?

By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

'It feels like he's quietly building a separate life': My husband inherited $500,000, but he refuses to spend it on our home

'It seems bizarre': We're in our 80s with $950,000 in traditional IRAs. Why is our adviser pushing Roth conversions?

'I have no financial safety net': I'm 66, rely on Social Security and have just $500 in savings. What hope do I have?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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