'It leaves me with a sour taste': My elderly mother gave our cousin $800 for a car repair. Should I be worried?

By Quentin Fottrell

'I know older people can easily feel patronized, and I don't want that to happen'

"I don't want to talk to her like she's a child or imply she can't make her own decisions just because she's older." (Photo subject is a model.)

Dear Quentin,

My mom is in her early 80s. She has always been a charitable person, and more so lately. She has helped relatives with bills, picks up the check for dinners, and appears to offer financial assistance to anyone who seems to be having a rough time. Last month, she helped pay for a cousin's $800 car repair. Two weeks later she told me she was putting off her own dental work.

She worked hard to afford a comfortable retirement. She lives off whatever modest savings my late father left her, and I'm concerned she's spending it down faster than she realizes. I don't know if she's being taken advantage of, but it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. If I bring it up, she gets a bit defensive. She says it's her money and she can do what she wants with it.

I know older people can easily feel patronized, and I don't want that to happen. What advice do you have? If any of your readers have experienced anything similar, I'd be grateful to hear their thoughts. I've read previous letters to your column about elder abuse, and I'm not sure this rises to that level, but that doesn't mean I should ignore it, either.

The Daughter

Related: 'She was heavily medicated': My cousin forced my elderly mother to sign over her share of the family home. What can we do?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually. Check out The Moneyist's private Facebook group.

You can advocate for your mother by helping manage her accounts, making sure that her bank reports any unusual transactions and being cognizant of any large withdrawals.

Dear Daughter,

Your cousin's request for help with a car repair doesn't have to rise to the level of elder financial abuse to feel exploitative or, for that matter, to actually be exploitative. That said, there are some hallmarks of elder financial abuse here: coercion of an elderly person who might lack the mental capacity to make decisions for themselves or who feels under duress from someone requesting, demanding or even taking their money.

You can advocate for your mother by helping manage her accounts, making sure that her bank reports any unusual transactions and being cognizant of any large withdrawals, and also by communicating with the people in her life, some of whom may be genuinely looking out for her well-being. It only takes one bad apple to put a serious dent in a person's finances, and that person is often someone the elderly person is dependent upon.

The more your mother is aware of her income and expenses, the less likely - in theory - she will be to give money away, even if it makes her feel good. First, you can tell her, "You want people in your life who are there because of who you are, not because of what you give them, and someone who asks for money or even hints that they need money may not be the friend you believe them to be." She may not take kindly to it, but she will likely give it thought.

Elder financial abuse can happen in secrecy and also occur in plain sight.

Second, you can talk to your cousin, find out what happened with their car, and make it clear that you're keeping an eye on things. "Is everything OK with your car now? I'm happy to hear that, but I'm also concerned about mom. She's a very generous person and she feels a duty to help others, but I'm not sure she can afford to give away $800 for a car repair. She's getting older, and I would appreciate it if you came to me first if mom offers you money."

You can also become a legal advocate by having a durable power of attorney for your mom, which gives you the authority to make certain legal and financial decisions on her behalf. The more recurring bills that are automated, the better. You could also suggest that your mom add you or one of your siblings as a "trusted contact." She could also add you as a co-signer, which would give you access to her transactions (something people should not do lightly).

For what it's worth, elder financial abuse also frequently happens in secrecy, although that does not mean it can't also occur in plain sight. A claim such as "I didn't try to hide it, so it wasn't financial abuse" can act as a smokescreen, but it doesn't hold up in cases where an elderly person feels beholden to give money. And the bad actors are often known to the victim: caretakers, friends, neighbors and, yes, even relatives and adult children.

Don't miss: My father has Alzheimer's and his caregiver is using his debit card for DoorDash. Should I intervene?

Hallmarks of elder financial abuse

The McCune Law Group, which has offices nationwide, outlines some of the hallmarks of elder financial abuse: "One of the first red flags to watch out for is when an elderly person becomes suddenly isolated from friends and family. Perpetrators often isolate their victims to exert more control. An abrupt change in an elder's demeanor, such as increased withdrawal, depression, or fear, could be a sign of emotional abuse or undue influence."

The law firm adds: "Keep an eye on significant changes in an elder's financial behavior. This may include unusual withdrawals, unexplained account activity, or unpaid bills. Be wary of unfamiliar individuals or those who do not need to assist your loved one in banking matters accompanying them to the bank or ATM. This could indicate financial exploitation. If an elder is unwilling to discuss their situation, despite having previously been open about it, that too could be a warning sign.

You can become a legal advocate by having a durable power of attorney for your mom.

The law firm also cautions about caregivers who seem excessively involved in an older person's life and financial affairs. Shockingly, the World Health Organization reported that roughly one in six people 60 and older experienced some form of abuse in community settings during the previous year. The global population of people 60 and older is expected to more than double by 2050, to approximately 2 billion.

While we're on the subject, your mother should never give her Social Security number to anyone over the phone, even if the call appears to come from her bank. Call the bank directly using the number on the card. She should never, ever read back text-message codes. Banks and other institutions will never ask for this. In nearly every case, it's a scammer trying to reset a person's password so they can get into their account.

Advise your mother to keep her documents - life-insurance policies, bank-account details, mortgage paperwork and the like - in a safe place, so that a visitor to her home won't have access to them if she were to become more vulnerable or incapacitated. These records may also include revocable trust documents. A trust holds legal title to assets from the estate in order to avoid probate when the owner passes away.

It's an ongoing, daily process. Some days will be more successful than others.

Related: My 93-year-old father changed his will at the 11th hour, leaving my brother his entire $500,000 estate. Can I challenge it?

If you suspect your friend or relative is the victim of elder abuse, organizations worth contacting include the National Center on Elder Abuse, an agency affiliated with the U.S. Administration on Aging; the National Council on Aging advocacy group; AARP's Fraud Watch Network Helpline at (877) 908-3360; the National Elder Fraud Hotline at (833) 372-8311; and Adult Protective Services.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

'Just watch Judge Judy': I'm in my 70s. Why do people keep making the same avoidable financial mistakes?

'She wants him gone': My friend took in a homeless man as a caretaker. After 10 years, how can she evict him?

'Our family is broken beyond repair': My brother took over my parents' finances. What can I do?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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