My friend feels trapped at her job but won't do anything about it. Am I supposed to step in?

By Aditi Shrikant

'She's handed over the fate of her happiness to this job'

"Unfortunately, her job is very specialized and there aren't a plethora of alternative jobs in the private sector she could easily transition into."

Dear Dollars Signs,

A group of us gals have noticed that a mutual friend seems to be in a tough spot. She has been working for the federal government for 15-plus years and she's progressively become so miserable that we are worried she's depressed. Unfortunately, her job is very specialized and there aren't a plethora of alternative jobs in the private sector she could easily transition into, and in this economy, we all understand why she wouldn't want to quit with nothing lined up.

But the job has become the determining factor in her day-to-day happiness. If she has the energy to get together these days, it's only on weekends and even then, it's sporadic. If we try to talk to her much about it, she shuts down. She's handed over the fate of her happiness to this job and until she's eventually laid off, it's hard to imagine it will improve.

We are all childless in our 30s, figuring out our own bumpy career paths. We want to help, but don't know how - or if she would be receptive. Any ideas?

We Miss Our Fun Friend

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Dear We Miss Our Fun Friend,

You're a good friend. Many people abandon relationships, especially platonic ones, once they are no longer fun or fit in with their lifestyle. Of course, there are cases when this is necessary, but it sounds like you still have faith that your friend could pull themselves out of this professional and mental rut.

But, intervention is tricky and you need to tread carefully if you want your friend to hear what you're saying.

It might sound counterintuitive, but the worst thing you could do is give your friend advice, says Anne Welsh, a psychologist and career coach. Your friend is clearly having trouble being proactive. Even if your guidance is coming from a place of care, it will sound like judgment.

"If they are not feeling validated and seen, then they are going to end up feeling like this is one more thing they are not doing well," Welsh says.

Instead, ask questions. This can help her identify the problem beyond "I'm miserable."

"When people feel stuck, the first thing I say is, 'Let's diagnose the problem more accurately,'" Welsh says. "What is it you hate? The schedule, the content, do you have a toxic manager? When you name the actual problem the solutions might be different."

If it's a good friend, Welsh says, you could take it a step further and ask, "What do you need from me?" In my experience, a depressed person usually answers "nothing," but you'll never know until you try.

Make small changes

You note that your friend has a more specialized skill set, so her job options are scarce. That's true for everyone, right now, given the low-hire, low-fire job market. That is OK. In fact, what might be paralyzing her is the idea that in order to be happy she needs to make a dramatic shift.

"We think the only solution is a radical pivot," Welsh says. "We feel like we have to blow up our lives, and that is scary and makes us feel stuck."

Small changes could alleviate some pressure and feel more doable.

"What is the tiny step that you can do to help your nervous system understand: I am not as stuck as I think I am," Welsh says. "This is like a five-minute thing, not a five-year plan."

Silencing work notifications on her phone when she is off hours, for example, could help set some boundaries between her personal and professional life. Delegating one task to a subordinate could relieve some pressure and make her days a bit more bearable.

Expand her network

Exposure is one of the most important factors in learning how to change your situation, says career coach Grace Fabian.

"A lot of times when people are pivoting they look at what education or permissions they need, but finding someone else who is where you want to be - that is the best way to carve your path forward and figure out if you really want to be there."

Unfortunately, the cesspool of self-promotion that is LinkedIn is a good place to start.

"As cringe as LinkedIn can be, it is an incredible networking tool," Fabian says, "Find someone at the destination you want to be at and message them."

Most of the tweaks I've mentioned would be totally up to her to make. But networking is an area in which you can actually be of use.

Going to a professional meet-up? Invite her along. Know someone in an adjacent field? Send an email intro.

It doesn't have to be so buttoned-up, either. If you're going to a happy hour with another 30-something also figuring out their career trajectory, see if she wants to join. Sometimes just hearing that others also feel trapped by their jobs makes a person feel less helpless.

Take care of yourself

I also want to add that, ultimately, this is her life and her happiness is her responsibility. If she is committed to staying exactly where she is, no amount of support or invitations or introductions is going to change that.

While it's admirable that you want to help your friend, be sure you're not doing so at the expense of your own well-being.

"The biggest mistake people make is they get too enmeshed," Welsh says. "Someone is drowning and miserable and the other person is trying to fix it over and over again. They are putting their worth in whether they can fix it. They both end up miserable and in a downward spiral."

Write to Dollar Signs at dollarsigns@marketwatch.com.

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-Aditi Shrikant

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11-10-26 1622ET