'She can always change her mind': Should a widow leave the family home to her stepchildren?

By Quentin Fottrell

'It would be a less drastic step than selling the home now and splitting the proceeds'

"To my mind, they haven't demonstrated that they deserve this level of consideration." (Photo subject is a model.)

Dear Quentin,

I read the letter about the woman who was left her partner's $1 million house before he died at 76, much to the consternation of his three children. There is nothing preventing "the widow" from leaving the home to her stepchildren in her own will (My partner of 17 years left me his $1 million home. His children are livid. Am I obliged to split it with them?).

To my mind, they haven't demonstrated that they deserve this level of consideration. However, if "the widow" is concerned about fairness, this approach might satisfy that concern while appeasing ungrateful adults who are behaving like demanding children. It would be a less drastic step than selling the home now and splitting the proceeds, while seemingly honoring her late partner's wishes.

Additionally, the stepchildren's reaction to a delayed inheritance can be very telling. It might help the widow gain clarity about whether those relationships are worth maintaining. If she ultimately decides they are not, she can always change her mind later and revise her will to leave the home to heirs who treat her with greater respect and appreciation.

Wills are kind of funny like that.

A Regular Reader

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

Related: My wife says we can't afford to retire. I vetoed her $8,000 trip to Italy. We're in our 60s and have $4 million. Do I keep working?

They weaponized their father's decline, even though she consistently supported him 24/7.

Dear Reader,

Is it really her job to quell their discontent?

True, leaving three children the $1 million house in her will is one way to make them whole, in their eyes. This was the part of her letter that resonated with me: "I drove him to appointments. After his stroke two years before he died, I helped him dress on difficult mornings. He recovered well, but he stopped driving and lost his footing. One of his children now says a conversation about his estate planning proves I planted the idea. He did have very mild cognitive impairment, but no dementia diagnosis. He'd forget names and repeat himself, but he was otherwise fine."

I have three takeaways from the children's reaction to their stepmother being left the family home: (1) They accused her of coercive control over their father, which does not appear to be substantiated by her account of events (which is the only version we have). (2) She spent years taking care of their father, driving him to doctors' appointments, helping him get dressed, cooking for him and, well, loving him. Love is an action, and she was all action. (3) They weaponized their father's decline, even though she consistently supported him 24/7.

The other part of her letter, which I thought was significant, was that she believed that giving her late partner's children the house would go against his wishes. That's extremely important. As she wrote, "I was his family too." She lived with him for nearly two decades, while his children visited roughly four times a year. There's no judgment about how often they visited, except to say that - even though they never married - the couple were as much a family as any other. Again, she owes nobody anything, including her stepchildren.

Related: We stopped helping our neighbors with free home repairs and our friendship cooled. Who's to blame?

No one was left empty-handed

Leaving her the house was a smart move, given the stepchildren's response after their father's death. Her late partner had seen other people being kicked out of their home when widowed, and he did not want this to happen to his beloved partner. So he made an estate plan that would protect her from that possibility. He also left his own children $600,000, so they were not left empty-handed. Another significant detail: Her late partner died only six months ago. They made numerous unsubstantiated allegations that she had exercised control over their father.

Ultimately, I'm not sure she has to appease "ungrateful adults who are behaving like demanding children," as you put it. That's not her job. She's not their mother. She's not their lawyer. She's not their teacher. She's not their grandmother. She's not their friend. They have made that clear. If they decided to file a lawsuit against her, alleging coercive control, they would have to come up with enough evidence to prove their case to a judge in court. After a 20-year relationship, I'm not sure that would be an easy task.

Visiting their father four times a year is one thing. Their stepmother was the one helping him out of the bathtub and holding him in her arms as he faded away. Sure, she could leave her stepchildren their family home in her will. But I don't believe she's obliged to do anything. She also has her own retirement and long-term care to think about. I hope she has enough money to enjoy her life, not merely be a custodian of a house that will ultimately go to three children who have not shown her due respect. All of this for $333,333 each.

If she does have money left, I'd be tempted to encourage her to give it to charity.

Related: My father-in-law, 81, sold his $75,000 home to pay his daughter's $50,000 debt. How can I keep him from becoming destitute?

By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

My wife has only $80,000 saved for retirement. I have $2.2 million. Am I wrong to be shocked?

'She's living the dream': My stepmother said I can buy my childhood home for $850,000. Is she taking advantage of me?

My wife has only $80,000 saved for retirement. I have $2.2 million. Am I wrong to be shocked?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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11-09-26 0930ET