'He was heartbroken': My husband's kids abandoned him when he was dying. Was he right to leave everything to me?

By Quentin Fottrell

'In the end, he left them a few sentimental mementos, some collectibles and old photographs'

"I'm still angry with them for the way they treated their father, especially when he was dying and needed them most." (Photo subjects are models.)

Dear Quentin,

My situation was the opposite of the one in this letter (My partner of 17 years left me his $1 million home. His children are livid. Am I obliged to split it with them?). When I met my husband, he had essentially been on his own for nearly 20 years. He was a wonderful father who helped his children in every way he could, and he was just as devoted to my kids - a true go-to guy. He was truly the love of my life.

For the last six years of his life, he was terminally ill, and I was his full-time caregiver, around the clock. My kids, who had homes and children of their own, would drop everything to help us whenever they could. His kids, on the other hand, were both single, childless adults in their 50s, yet they never lifted a finger. No matter how much he begged them to help us, they rarely called and didn't even visit him during the last three years of his life.

He was heartbroken by their careless indifference. In the end, he left them a few mementos, some collectibles and old photographs. I inherited everything else. I still gave both of his children some money, and I've set aside a portion of my portfolio for them as well, should it outlive me, because that's simply who I am. But I'm still angry with them for the way they treated their father, especially when he was dying and needed them most.

No father deserves that kind of indifference from his own children.

Wife, Mother and Now Widow

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

Related: My abusive ex-husband promised $20,000 for our kids' education. Now he refuses to pay. Is he legally obligated?

We should, for better or for worse, be wary of making judgments about how much someone's children did or did not care.

Dear Wife,

Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is to accept people for who they are. And when it comes to inheritance, there's often no right or wrong answer.

The tension many people experience in relationships is the expectation that they will be somebody they're not or do something they will never do. This can last for years, even decades, and despite hopeful moments of decency and respite from perceived indifference, unreliable people will show you who they are time and again, if you let them. That is a tragedy when it comes to parents and children who will never meet each other's needs. It can also bring a measure of clarity.

Your late husband seems to have reached that painful realization during his chronic illness. He saw who showed up for him, and he could see with clear-eyed perspective, perhaps for the first time, who did not support him through that difficult time. For you, it must have been painful to witness, especially because you knew just how much your husband needed and wanted their love and support. An absence of kindness at such a vulnerable time is heartbreaking.

But that clarity can also be freeing. He could finally see, perhaps, the faithful people in his life, the people who showed up and, importantly, showed that they cared. It's possible to show up and tick a box but not actually do any emotional heavy lifting, like spending time with an ailing friend or relative one-on-one or even picking up the phone to say, "I was thinking about you. I'm just checking in." That can mean as much as offering a lift to the doctor's office or the salon.

Life after a chronic illness

We should, for better or for worse, also be wary about making judgments about how much his children did or did not care. Your husband acknowledged that relationship by leaving his children items with important sentimental value. Estrangement, fear of illness, an unresolved family saga, emotional anxiety and, yes, blunt avoidance can lead to hurtful behavior. Understanding why someone acted as they did can help foster compassion for others and, importantly, for oneself.

Oasis Hospice Care, which has facilities in Houston and Austin, explores the question: Why do some friends and loved ones disappear after a chronic illness diagnosis? "Many people genuinely care but feel uncomfortable discussing illness. They may worry about saying the wrong thing, making the situation worse, or triggering difficult emotions. Instead of reaching out imperfectly, some choose silence," the organization wrote. "Unfortunately, that silence can feel like abandonment."

Leaving his children items with important sentimental value honored their relationship and their history.

"For some friends, seeing someone they care about struggle can trigger fears about aging, disability, vulnerability, or mortality," it adds. "Rather than processing those emotions, they may unconsciously withdraw. Friendships often develop around shared experiences: traveling, dining out, sports, community events, active hobbies. When chronic illness limits participation in those activities, friendships sometimes struggle to adapt."

Friends and some family members who aren't willing to adjust to the new normal may slowly fade away, the organization says. "Many people report feeling shocked by who stays and who leaves. Sometimes casual acquaintances become incredible sources of support, while long-term friends disappear. It's important to remember that another person's inability to handle illness often reflects their limitations - not your worth."

Staying true to your convictions

Your own children showed up for your husband, and that must have meant everything. Anyone who experiences chronic illness and re-evaluates the relationships in their life will tell you that there are many gifts and revelations during that time; they may be surprising or disappointing at the time, but ultimately allow you to focus on the people who care about you. Your husband had many people who were there for him, and he adjusted his estate plan accordingly.

He stayed true to his convictions and did not bow to social pressure or pressure from family members to leave his children a substantial amount in his will. That was his decision to make, and he was entitled to distribute his estate as he saw fit. He had you, of course, but leaving his children items with important sentimental value honored their relationship and their history, without giving away a large chunk of his estate to people who did not show up during his time of need.

Your late husband had you, your own children, and other friends who chose to show up for him. As much as the absence of his own children hurt, you were all there for him, and he remembered that in his will. Your husband sounds like a stand-up guy and, honestly, plenty of people in your position would move on and leave their stepchildren nothing in their will. You are making sure you dignify those relationships, in your own way.

Perhaps it's a posthumous show of respect to the man you loved, and also a refusal to allow his children's behavior to turn you into someone you don't want to be.

Related: 'Fancy cars hold no appeal': We have a 99% chance of outliving our life savings. Why not spend, spend, spend?

Check out The Moneyist's private Facebook group, where members help answer life's thorniest money issues. Post your questions, weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns or email The Moneyist at qfottrell@marketwatch.com.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

My wife cried when I found out she had only $80,000 in her 401(k). I have $2.2 million. Am I wrong to be shocked?

My husband wants to sell our $1.5 million home and downsize. But this is where we raised our kids - and I can't bear to leave.

'She's living the dream': My stepmother said I can buy my childhood home for $850,000. Is she taking advantage of me?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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