My abusive ex-husband promised $20,000 for our kids' education. Now he refuses to pay. Is he legally obligated?

By Quentin Fottrell

'Before our divorce, my former mother-in-law entrusted him with $20,000 for each of our daughters to invest on their behalf'

"When I asked him about the money after the divorce, he denied that it had ever existed, despite the text message confirming that it had been set aside for the girls." (Photo subjects are models.)

Dear Quentin,

I have a question about an inheritance intended for my two teenage daughters. Their father and I are divorced, and the divorce was far from amicable. Our relationship was abusive and involved financial abuse, and the financial disputes have continued since our separation.

Before our divorce, my former mother-in-law entrusted him with $20,000 for each of our daughters to invest on their behalf and help pay for their college education. This was surprising because, when the girls were born, she had asked for their full names so she could include them in her will specifically to ensure they received nothing from her estate. She has made it clear that she considers my skin color a reason to exclude me and my family.

At the time, however, she apparently intended to provide something for the girls outside of her will. Their father texted me to say he had received $20,000 for our children. I was surprised, but expressed gratitude that she had done this for our daughters. I kept a screenshot of that text.

After our divorce, he forced the sale of our family home in Florida, which I had paid for during our marriage. He received half of the sale proceeds, even though the home represented my life savings. I had to buy another home at the height of the market and now have a substantial mortgage. My daughters and I are living in poverty, and what little I have left is tied up in retirement accounts.

He stands to inherit a substantial amount.

He also owes me seven years of back child support. I am still fighting in court to recover our daughters' college savings accounts, which I funded with money I gave him to manage. He never contributed the matching funds he had promised. Meanwhile, he continues to file what I believe are baseless motions in family court, using the proceeds from the house sale to drain my already meager earnings.

This is only a fraction of what has happened. He seems determined to maintain as much control as possible over our lives and finances. Now, as our daughters approach college age, the $20,000 has become another point of contention. When I asked him about the money after the divorce, he denied that it had ever existed, despite the text message confirming that it had been set aside for the girls.

His mother is now nearing the end of her life, and he is the executor of her estate. He stands to inherit a substantial amount and has mentioned moving abroad after she dies. Given our history, I am concerned that the money intended for our daughters may never reach them and that, if he leaves the country, recovering it could become even more difficult. I have the screenshot of his text, but no other documentation of the original arrangement.

Do my daughters have any legal recourse to recover the $20,000 their grandmother intended for their college education? Does the text message provide meaningful evidence of that arrangement, even if there was no formal trust or account in the girls' names? And is there anything I should do now, while their grandmother is still alive and before their father potentially moves abroad, to protect their interests?

Or can he simply keep the money, as he has kept so much else that was meant to support us?

Mother & Ex-Wife

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

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Legally, there may be a route, but I'm not sure pursuing it is worth the lawyers' fees and stress.

Dear Ex-Wife,

Any outcome is possible, but I'm doubtful if this money was ever designed to make it to your children.

Legally, there may be a route, but I'm not sure pursuing it will be worth the lawyers' fees and stress unless, even if an attorney did take the case on a contingent basis or rolled it into your child-support lawsuit. I suspect a lengthy, traumatic and expensive legal battle is exactly what he wants. He has the funds to keep this going. You don't have thousands of dollars to spend on lawyers and days in court, and it could take years. I'm not sure it's worth the time out of your life to keep engaging with this man-child.

Before you call your lawyer, I suggest you do two things: (1) Leave your children out of the equation. They don't need to know their father is a deadbeat dad and is depriving them of their college fund. They will figure that out in time, as they get older, if they haven't already. (2) Go over his head. Bullies don't like that. Contact your mother-in-law, if she is well enough, and put the money in a bank account in your children's names, or leave them the college money in her will. She may not acquiesce.

You could go over his head. Bullies don't like that.

As for the promise: Even without a formal agreement, you may be able to hold someone to a broken promise under "promissory estoppel." That doctrine applies when you have relied on a promise and were worse off because you spent money or gave up time or opportunities, or relied on that promise to the detriment of your finances. In that situation, a court may stop your ex-husband from going back on his word. However, the viability of such a claim depends on several factors, including your state's laws, the nature of the promise, and your relationship to the other party.

As for the text: It depends on the laws in your state, so consult an attorney if you want a definitive answer. Laws like the ESIGN Act (Electronic Signatures in Global and National Commerce Act) and the Uniform Electronic Transactions Act (UETA) give electronic records equal legal validity and enforceability as paper documents and handwritten signatures under federal law. Your ex-husband's text, whether genuine or an attempt to taunt you, may have left open a legal avenue.

The language of the text message

"Many individuals assume that text messages are merely casual conversations," says Halpern & Scrom, a New York-based law firm. "In reality, under certain circumstances, a text-message exchange can constitute a legally binding contract that can lead to unexpected financial liability, breach of contract claims, wage and hour disputes, vendor or partnership litigation, and reputational damage. If the essential elements of a contract are present, the agreement may be enforceable."

The firm says screenshots of text threads have been used as evidence. "In litigation, those messages may be analyzed line by line to determine whether a binding agreement was formed. For a text message or any form of communication to be legally recognized as a contract, certain foundation components must be present. First, one party must communicate a definite promise or proposal of what they are willing to provide. Then, the other party must clearly express their approval of the proposed terms."

Even seemingly casual language can be very revealing. "Text messages often contain language such as 'agreed,' 'that works,' 'deal,' 'yes,' or 'let's do it.' These statements may appear casual but they can signal acceptance and intent to be bound," Halpern & Scrom says. "If the response changes key terms, it may be treated as a new proposal rather than acceptance. Next, both parties must provide something of value. This may include payment, services, goods, or mutual promises."

Doubts about your in-law's intent

It also depends on what exactly was written in the text, and the multiple ways it could be interpreted (or misinterpreted). If the language of the text message is ambiguous, lacks intent, or could be referring to any number of transactions, you would have a steep hill to climb. The fact that you have been reduced to using these potential microaggressions from your husband as evidence in a possible lawsuit is probably playing right into his hands. The burden of proof would rest on your shoulders.

Your mother-in-law knows her son better than anyone, I assume, and giving this money to him absolves her of two things. She can telegraph to you and herself that, despite her reported feelings about you, she has done the right thing for her grandchildren. However, she did this with the knowledge that her son will ultimately control what will happen to that money. She could have put it in a tax-advantaged 529 account in your children's name, after all, but she chose not to.

Your mother-in-law knows her son better than anyone.

Sending you a text, alerting you to this money, was probably not an act of generosity; it was another prelude to his coercive and abusive behavior. He was, as history now appears to attest, dangling a carrot that he would never allow you to have. It allows him to keep pulling those marionette strings. Maybe you will cooperate, hire a lawyer and spend more money trying to fight this case - possibly a losing one. He wants you at the table at any cost. If you pursue this, you will once again have obliged.

I do hope he is forced to pay child support. But my takeaway, as painful as it may be, is that you could end up fighting with this man for years, even after your teenage children go to college. Controlling and narcissistic bullies never, or rarely, want to let go. Any reaction or any impact on you - financial or emotional - is grist for the mill. The fact that he continues to file what you say are baseless motions in family court, in an apparent attempt to drain your savings and keep you engaged, speaks volumes.

The $20,000 may be just a way he can weaponize his mother's kindness, if that is indeed what it was.

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10-27-26 0615ET