We stopped helping our neighbors with free home repairs and our friendship cooled. Who's to blame?

By Quentin Fottrell

'Last summer, they complained about needing to replace their roof. A few months later, they bought a new SUV.'

"They brought over a bottle of wine after the tree was removed, which was kind, though it was a $9 bottle for a job that would have cost them several hundred dollars." (Photo subject is a model.)

Dear Quentin,

My husband and I have lived in the same house for 23 years. Our next-door neighbors have been in theirs for 19 years, and for most of that time we thought of ourselves as friends rather than just neighbors. They might have been better off than we are, or not. Either way, that really never bothered us. We socialized together from time to time. We had different priorities and used to joke about it: they liked going on cruises, and we had never been on one.

Over the years, we borrowed from each other: a ladder here, a snow shovel there, the occasional cup of sugar (metaphorically speaking, not an actual cup of sugar). We watched their dog when they traveled, and they collected our mail when we were away. When a tree came down in a storm, my husband was practically in their yard with a chainsaw before they'd finished calling the insurance company. They weren't "hands-on" when it came to house stuff.

They brought over a bottle of wine after the tree was removed, which was kind, though it was a $9 bottle for a job that would have cost them several hundred dollars. We honestly didn't mind. We liked them and were happy to help. About three years ago, I started to notice that their finances no longer seemed to match their lifestyle. The vacations, new cars, and home improvements continued, but they began talking about money in ways they never had before.

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Things started to change

They'd ask if my husband would fix something himself rather than hire someone. Could we keep an eye on the house while they were away so they wouldn't have to pay someone? Could we recommend a contractor? At one point they joked that having us next door was better than a maintenance contract. We laughed, and I wish we hadn't. Last summer, they complained they needed to replace their roof. A few months later, they bought a new SUV.

That's when I understood that our joke about their spending and our saving may never have been entirely a joke. They weren't necessarily wealthier than us in the way I'd assumed; they just looked like they had more. We'd spent 20 years putting money away and doing things ourselves, and they'd spent 20 years building a lifestyle that looked comfortable from the outside. Our thrift and willingness to help had somehow become part of their financial strategy.

I actually felt sorry for them. But we started saying no, explaining that we didn't have time. The friendship eventually cooled. I'm confused and hurt about the friendship, even though I know what happened. Maybe that's too cynical, and they simply got used to our generosity because, unlike them, we could afford to give our time away. My husband says he doesn't miss repairing their deck. I'm annoyed with ourselves for giving so much time to helping them.

Were we bad neighbors to say "yes" and then "no"?

Wife & Neighbor

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

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There are many kinds of healthy friendships, but there are probably two kinds of toxic friendships.

Dear Neighbor,

This friendship slowly turned into a quasi-business relationship.

Money never changed hands, but you were paying them in kind by doing odd jobs at their home on request. This 2025 LendingTree poll of 2,000 Americans found that more than 1 in 3 people had a friendship end over money. Respondents said they lied to their friends about money, were judged on their financial situations, and felt pressure to keep up with the spending habits of those closest to them. You didn't keep up, but you did quietly judge your friends.

There were a few problems with this arrangement: (1) It was a one-way street; the generosity was not reciprocated. (2) They didn't understand the value of your contributions or your time; hence, the $9 bottle of wine (also, wow, you really did look up the price). If they had spent $150 on a new lawnmower, for example, it would have made you believe they appreciated your husband's hard work. (3) The requests became more frequent and, worse, expected.

You took a closer look at the people whose roofs needed repairing.

They weren't necessarily bad neighbors, and they weren't necessarily exploiting you. A genuine friendship developed, but one that came with an unequal pattern of favors. The neighbors got used to receiving this help, while you and your husband became accustomed to giving. But then the giver (you) started resenting the receiver (your neighbors), and you started judging how your neighbors lived. Once that happened, the friendship turned sour.

There are many kinds of healthy friendships, but probably two kinds of toxic friendships. The first is trauma bonding - people using others to regulate their emotions. The second kind is a transactional friendship, like the one a reader experienced at his golf club with an adviser who was always scouting for clients. Early on, you provided them with a service. It was easy for them to take you for granted because you did so willingly and without complaint.

The cooling of this friendship is more complicated. For their part, they were probably embarrassed to realize that you had given enough and erected an invisible, though unmistakable, boundary between the two households. No more free yardwork, no more lending of tools, no more stepping in after a storm when you had your own house to take care of. It's possible that they forgot prior generosity and focused on your "sorry, no."

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Not only was the friendship transactional, but you took a closer look at the people whose roofs needed repairing. As the years wore on, you didn't share the same values or outlook on life. You started to judge them, rightly or wrongly, for their lifestyle and, as you saw it, their lack of financial responsibility. On the surface, there were no signs that you were incompatible: no unkind remarks, no competitiveness, no constant canceling or being constantly late.

But even the most polite superficial friendships can slowly rot from the inside. The favors your husband did for them were probably just a symptom, not the cause. If what you say is accurate, and I'm conscious that I only have one side of the story, you didn't like how they treated you - although you have to take at least 50% of the responsibility for that - and you didn't respect how they seemed always to live for today at the expense of tomorrow.

Even the most polite friendships on the surface can slowly rot from the inside out.

And, look, it can work both ways. People who fervently save and look askance at other people's choices can be equally annoying. Some friends can be competitive, while others can be judgmental. After all, not everyone balances their household budget perfectly month to month, or manages to stay on top of the rising cost of living. If they did, credit-card debt in the U.S. probably wouldn't have topped $1.26 trillion.

This retired pastor wrote to this column to say that after more than 40 years, he retired as a pastor in 2021 and wondered why others had so much trouble stopping working. "Until my retirement," he said, "I never earned more than $30,000 a year. My wife, a dedicated stay-at-home mom, earned a maximum of $13,000 when she was able to work in local school districts." Some pointed out perks of the pastorate, such as parsonages and gas allowances.

Neighbors are like families; you don't choose them. But it's sometimes easier to keep them on your side, if only to avoid stress and anxiety later on. It's easier to see the good in other people and keep your distance if you don't think they're on the same wavelength. Friendships, like all relationships, go through peaks and valleys. You're now in an open meadow with these next-door neighbors where you both have plenty of space. That's a good outcome.

Keep waving. Keep smiling. Keep saying, "No, thank you."

Don't miss: We were friendly with our neighbors for decades, until recently. One day, they introduced us to their financial adviser...

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More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

'I don't want to die on the sales floor': I'm 67 and earn $19.50 an hour at a big-box store. When can I finally retire?

'I'd rather be on a beach in Bali': My husband resents my $8 million net worth. Should I pay for his retirement?

My wife never went back to work after raising our kids. Do I have to share my retirement savings 50/50?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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