My boss and I work in different cities and she never responds to my messages. What do I do?

By Aditi Shrikant

'Most of the time it feels like I'm just talking into the ether'

Cropped shot of a young businesswoman working late on a laptop in an office

Dear Dollar Signs,

I work in Denver and was recently assigned to a boss who lives in Nashville, Tenn.

She never answers my messages and seems annoyed when I ask questions. For example, I told her a month in advance that I need to take paid time off one Friday. I had been working on a project, and when it came time to pick a deadline, she picked the Friday I had off. I reminded her that I would be out that Friday, but I'd have everything done by Wednesday. No response. On Wednesday morning, I filed the project and asked for any additional comments. No response. She didn't say anything for two days, then messaged me at 4:30 p.m. on the Friday I had PTO.

Once, she started messaging me at 7 p.m., forcing me to cancel a date with a cute guy I met on a plane because she wasn't even looking at my messages. I never heard from him again.

Things like this happen all the time.

I feel like I have to ration my questions because there are only so many times she will respond to me. Most of the time it feels like I'm just talking into the ether.

I know there is a slight time difference between the two cities, but I don't think it should be this hard to get a response from her.

How am I supposed to deal with a boss who won't talk to me?

Ghosted

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Dear Ghosted,

News coverage and dinner-party conversation often focus on the micromanaging or overbearing boss. But you've encountered the oft-forgotten absent boss. The one who wants work to get done, but refuses to provide guidance or feedback.

What you are asking for is absolutely reasonable and part of a manager's job. However, it doesn't sound like you're going to get it. Denver and Nashville are only one hour apart, so the time difference shouldn't be too much of an obstacle.

Your manager doesn't seem equipped or willing to help. There are a couple of reasons that might be, says Brandon Smith, a counselor known as The Workplace Therapist.

"The leader could be overwhelmed or the leader could feel insecure so they are not really sure what to do and are pushing it off," he says.

If your boss is overwhelmed already, any questions, no matter how fair, might send her into a tailspin.

That means you will have to do a decent amount of what is called "managing up." Managing up is when you help your manager reach their goals by identifying their blind spots and proactively helping them hit their marks, instead of just looking to them for guidance to help you meet yours.

Instead of asking her what to do, send her a detailed plan and ask her only to greenlight it. Smith suggests that, if your manager still doesn't respond, send an email with your plan of action, saying: "If I don't hear from you by the end of the day, I'll go ahead and get started."

With things like paid time off, send her multiple reminders. Pretty much, you are overcommunicating to make up for her inability to communicate at all.

Another reason she might be withholding guidance is that she possesses some narcissistic tendencies, Smith says.

"Narcissists live in the gray," he says. "They will not ever put a firm hand down on anything because they don't want to be held accountable. They are quick to take credit for success and equally quick to throw you under the bus for anything that might be damaging."

If this is the case, you need to start forming connections with other people at your company.

"After you message your boss, forward those messages to other folks with capital," Smith says. "Create a little more safety net."

This way, if something goes awry, someone else at your company can vouch that you were receiving no guidance or support from your manager. And, if a project succeeds, you've left a paper trail that shows you were instrumental in its execution.

Managers are people too

It can be hard not to take a manager's behavior personally. But I'd encourage you to stay neutral. I'm not saying you need to like your boss, but assigning her silence any kind of meaning is harming your sanity and happiness.

Most managers' weak spots have nothing to do with their employees, says Pooja Kothari, a workplace diversity, equity and inclusion trainer. She helps employees navigate conflict using empathy.

"Just because they are a bad communicator, that doesn't mean they are a mean person," she says. "Really try to stay away from negative assumptions. It doesn't have anything to do with you personally."

At this point, your goal isn't to have a stellar relationship with your boss, but to produce good work. Keep your correspondence about the job, and you can help each other be as productive as possible.

Write to Dollar Signs at dollarsigns@marketwatch.com.

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-Aditi Shrikant

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08-03-26 1037ET