'This is stressful for my parents': My siblings harass our mother and father for money. Should they be cut out of their will?

By Quentin Fottrell

'My siblings have led lifestyles that have required them to depend heavily on my parents financially'

"They are in their 70s, and each is working more than 40 hours a week." (Photo subjects are models.)

Dear Quentin,

My parents have asked me to help them secure their assets when they pass on. They are in their 70s, and are each working more than 40 hours a week.

My siblings have led lifestyles that have required them to depend heavily on my parents financially (and this is partly why they continue to work well past the normal age of retirement). One of the siblings owes quite a bit of child support, which my parents have been adamant about not paying. My sibling has always wanted to be a part of the children's lives, but the other parent has been quite difficult. Early last year, my sibling started living with the other parent and the kids and caring for them 100%, but the child-support case has not been closed.

My other sibling is the type of person who has relationships with people who are not financially stable, who take advantage of her, and who disrespects my parents by acting like my parents owe them money. This sibling may find new people to be in a relationship with, but will never be with someone who is financially stable. This sibling also has children, from whom the partners, as well as their other parent, steal the money that my parents give to them. As one can imagine, my parents don't want inheritance money going to the "bad" partners and parents.

I realize that my parents could say "screw you" to all of them (something I tell them to do on a regular basis), but based on prior experience and knowing they are dealing with irrational people to begin with, that would most likely cause a lot of heartache for them. They understand that the other parent is due their child support, and, more importantly, that ultimately there is nothing they can do once they are gone. However, is there anything at all that can be done now to make sure their assets only go to the "right" people?

This is stressful for my parents, and so I really appreciate any guidance you have.

The Third Sibling

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.

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If parents only left money to well-behaved adult children with a pristine record of good manners and fiscal responsibility, most homes for dogs and cats would probably never have to worry about raising funds.

Dear Sibling,

First off, your siblings are less than perfect. Second, most parents and children are less than perfect. Third, even the kindest of siblings may be able to find fault with a sister or brother, especially if they've not managed their finances wisely, asked parents for favors and/or generally been a yearslong pain in the neck. Every family has its own unique dysfunction and competing agendas. No one is going to live life perfectly. If parents only left money to well-behaved adult children with a pristine record of good manners and fiscal responsibility, most pet shelters would probably never have to raise funds again.

It's up to your parents to decide who the "right" people are and who is deserving of their assets after they pass away. Your sibling who did not pay child support could have his income garnished or federal/state taxes intercepted to pay his former/estranged spouse; inheritance may also be garnished. Your other sibling has felt entitled to tap your parents for money, by your account. You don't appear to have an official role - holding power of attorney for your parents, with a fiduciary duty to act in their best interests - but even then, your role would not be to tell your parents who should receive a portion of their estate.

Your parents can create discretionary or spendthrift trusts, appoint a professional trustee, specify how the funds in that trust should be used (for education, housing, healthcare etc.), specifically exclude spouses and partners explicitly and, ultimately, avoid disinheriting a specific child while still protecting their assets. (A spendthrift trust protects assets from a beneficiary's creditors and potential mismanagement by restricting their access, while a discretionary trust gives the trustee powers to decide if, when, and how much to distribute to the beneficiaries.) They could also set up tax-advantaged 529 plans for their grandchildren's education.

Blurred boundaries

That said, plenty of families have adult children who may be tempted to squander a large sum of money and/or even fall prey to other bad actors in their lives. The good news is that provisions can be made for such individuals. "A lump sum inheritance may seem like the simplest way to pass down wealth, but for a child with poor financial habits, it can create serious problems," according to the Cote Law Group in Marshfield, Mass. Such provisions, the law firm says, can be made for issues including reckless spending, debt and creditors, divorce and legal disputes, and help prevent the loss of government benefits.

There are a variety of trusts your parents can choose from, including matching a beneficiary's income dollar for dollar and/or providing funds for further education, the law firm adds. A spendthrift trust "prevents your child from selling, borrowing against, or misusing their inheritance," Cote says. "With a spendthrift trust, creditors and lawsuits cannot access the funds, and your child cannot demand early payouts. Instead, the trustee manages distributions based on your specified terms." This type of trust is useful if your child has a history of overspending and/or if you have concerns about gambling or substance misuse.

It may be that you are too close to this situation to act impartially. Your parents could, ultimately, decide to assign a power of attorney (POA) should they become incapacitated, executor and/or trustee to manage their affairs. Trustees are prohibited from profiting personally from trust assets and must avoid conflicts with beneficiaries. For this reason, a professional trustee, executor or POA may be a better choice than a family member. The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys and the National Association of Estate Planners & Councils could help with their decision-making.

Your parents may seek out family mediation to discuss their concerns and their fears about their three children's lives after they're gone. Ideally, this could be managed with someone who has a background in both finance and mental health and therapy. The Financial Therapy Association, American Counseling Association, Academy of Professional Family Mediators, Association for Family Resolution, Institute for Family Governance and American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy may all be able to help. Community Dispute Resolution Centers can also offer lower-cost alternatives.

My advice may sound harsh. But I do want you to be aware that lines can become blurred between their wishes and your own.

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The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

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-Quentin Fottrell

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02-21-26 1000ET