Six Investing Headlines for April Fool's Day

With April Fool's Day just around the corner, my colleague Gregg Wolper compiled a list earlier this week of  "Seven New Fund Ideas We Hope Not To See". In keeping with that theme, here are six mutual fund headlines you're unlikely to see anytime soon.

Fidelity to Liquidate 43 "Unnecessary" Funds
Boston-based Fidelity investments today announced that it is taking a knife to its sprawling fund lineup. According to executive vice president Klaus Shave, the firm has come to the conclusion that it simply offers too many funds. In an interview Shave said, "A Nordic Fund? What were we thinking? It's much easier to gather assets in a $30-billion small-cap fund." Shave also sought to debunk rumors that the firm was set to launch a series of funds modeled after the popular "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. "There is not going to be a Fidelity Mordor Fund. I don't know how that story got started. It's just not true," he said. 

Vanguard Launches Retirement Funds for Future Centuries
In a bid to literally consign the competition to the dustbin of history, Vanguard's head of strategic planning Xavier Moolah revealed that the firm was launching new retirement offerings with target dates of 2100, 2180, 2225, and 2310. "With life expectancies increasing, your descendants need to plan far ahead," Moolah observed. He added that the compounding effects from investing before you are conceived are even greater than if you were to invest in your childhood. "We believe this new suite of funds demonstrates our commitment to not only young investors, but also hypothetical children," said Moolah.

Ordinary Investor Understands Fund Prospectus
In a startling development, Ira Smolensky of Monmouth, Ill., today became the first person to fully comprehend the language published in a mutual fund's prospectus. "It's better than winning the lottery," said Smolensky, who officials confirmed has not previously been institutionalized. The Monmouth resident, who is slated to be honored at the town's annual Prime Beef Festival, expressed surprise at the discovery of the fund's board of directors. Said Smolensky, "A group of individuals who represent my interests? Who knew?" Meanwhile, fund company lawyers were reportedly meeting to devise ways to ensure nobody would duplicate Smolensky's feat.

Gabelli: "I'm Making Too Much"
Legendary investor Mario Gabelli said this week that he's simply "making too much money." Gabelli, whose annual compensation for the various duties he provides to his firm has been close to $40 million in recent years, says he's going to take a $1 million pay cut and distribute the savings to shareholders of the firm's mutual funds because "they really deserve it." However, Gabelli was quick to dismiss the notion that his compensation was still too high, saying, "It's what the market will bear." 

American Funds Dumps Portfolio Counselor System in Favor of Star Managers
Los Angeles-based American Funds today announced that it was doing away with its system of running funds with multiple portfolio counselors, opting instead for high-profile "star" portfolio managers who oversee funds individually. To get the effort underway, spokesman Russell Sprout disclosed the hiring of fund management wunderkind Chris Lahiji. Lahiji, the 21-year-old former manager of  Frontier Equity , recently stepped down at his former charge. "Lahiji is a great fit for us," said Sprout. "We've already got too many people with too much experience."

Bill Gross Gives Up: "The Competition Is Too Tough"
With tears in her eyes, PIMCO spokeswoman Tia Dropps announced today that Bill Gross, the legendary manager of  PIMCO Total Return (PTTRX) and other bond funds, has called it quits. "The brutality of the bond market and the cacophony of voices claiming their superiority have finally had an impact," said Dropps. Apparently, Gross has come to the conclusion that it’s just not healthy to spend so much time worrying about whether PIMCO is on top. "Besides," added Dropps, "with all his competitors comparing themselves to Gross, telling everyone how much better they are, it just wears you out after awhile." She also mentioned the frequent media references to Gross being the Bond King as a factor in the decision. "It's not easy being king," she noted. "He wants to just be a duke or an earl for a while."

I Couldn't Make This Up If I Wanted To
And finally, an item that, sadly, is actually true. Upon returning to Dreyfus after a three-year stint at Scudder, Thomas Eggers stated in an interview with Ignites.com that one of his key goals as the new Dreyfus chief is to "aggressively" increase the firm's assets. Not that the message needed emphasizing: The 520-word press release heralding Eggers' arrival mentioned the term "distribution" no fewer than six times. The words "fund shareholder" were conspicuous by their absence.